Each partner should complete the assessment individually. Please answer each question truthfully.
Yes or No… (Score 1 point for every “yes” and 0 for every “no”)
1. When you are about to go away for a long time, you and your partner ride to the airport in silence, there is no kiss goodbye or only a very brief smooch. There is no “have a safe flight” or “I will miss you” and no embrace or just a quick, unfeeling hug. There is also no further communication prior to boarding or during your layover (s); not until you arrive at your location to text you have arrived safely. This is despite that fact that it was a long day of traveling that included night flight.
2. There is little and brief communication with your partner while you are away from home on a long trip, and there are no significant communication barriers, e.g. deployed to a remote location with no form of external communication. This includes skyping or facetime. Also, there are no “good night/morning calls or texts.”
3. There is no attempt on your partner’s part to have sex prior to you leaving on a long trip, and there are no medical limitations to having sex. Also, there is often no sexual contact after you return from a long trip because your partner does not desire to have sex.
4. When you return from a long trip, there is no hug from your partner or just a brief one and no excitement to see you. Your partner may even be late picking you up from the airport because he or she had forgotten when your flight was.
5. You are mostly the one who initiates contact, whether through text or telephone calls, and the responses are often brief and final from your partner—no follow-up conversation. Oftentimes, you only hear from your partner when he or she needs you to do something; there is no “Hey, how is your day going?” and none (or very little) contact during the day until you both return home at night.
6. Your partner is easily and often agitated by you and you often seem to have to be walking on eggshells around him or her, being careful not to say something to piss your partner off.
7. Your partner does not seem interested in anything you do or how was your day. They never listen to your “stories”, but they can tell you about other people’s lives (meaning, they listen to others, just not you); they have engaging conversations (seems like a different, happier person) with other people, especially members of the opposite sex.
8. Your partner makes no sacrifices for you. Anything that is done for you is done without much thought and consideration and at their convenience. Anything that requires some effort, become a chore and your partner openly complains, hoping you would change your mind or grudgingly does it.
9. Your partner does not make you feel like a natural man or woman.
10. Your partner has stopped doing things for you that they used to do before (e.g. cooking, ironing or changing your engine oil). Suddenly these activities are onerous and seem like chores, and you start hearing comments like, “is something wrong with your hands?”
11. Your partner insists on having separate accounts after you had been sharing joint accounts.
12. You and/or your partner does not want to spend money on the other person (e.g. buying gifts or entertainment).
13. Your partner is quick to criticize you and take other people’s side (in an argument) against you, in the name of “just telling you the truth”. Similarly, your partner is quick to enjoy a joke at your expense.
14. There is no planning for a future together. Also, there is little mention of “us”, but mostly “I” or “my”, instead (e.g. “When I move again, I am going to buy a bigger bed for my bedroom.”
15. Your partner gets upset very badly and calls you disgusting names and refuses to apologize even after you two have made up. Also, there is no make-up sex.
16. You or your partner no longer want to go away alone with each other. There always needs to be a buffer between you two being alone (i.e. kids or friends).
17. Long road trips are no longer fun. Unlike before where there was engagement, there is now awkward silence, oftentimes filled with your partner either taking on the phone, texting or on social media. Inevitable, these trips are discontinued.
18. It is now difficult to make long terms plans, e.g. for a surprise birthday or a cruise, because you never know if some small thing is going to tick your partner off and they decide not to go at all at the last minute, totally unconcerned about the cost and effort that you had put into planning the trip or event.
19. Saying or hearing “I love you” are few and far between (if at all), although it used to be seemingly all the time.
20. Your partner does not support your work or often downplay what you do or your achievements. You receive little or no praise or encourage to uplift your soul.
21. There are physical violence and emotional abuse. You feel belittled and like you are losing your self-esteem.
22. Your partner is not the first person you want to share happy news with or call when something bad has happened to you.
23. Your partner unconsciously (not deliberately) forgets to call you back or do something important that he or she had promised to do for you.
24. Your partner seems to have a good time whenever they go out without you (e.g. girls or guys night out). Also, they seem to encourage more occasions like these.
25. Going out to dinner alone often ends in an argument and someone wanting to leave early.
26. There is no more tenderness: no caressing, no public display of affection, no nothing. Similarly, there is no more spooning. Now you sleep on opposite sides of the bed, often never touching at all during the night.
27. A day or more go by without you speaking to each other (especially after an argument) and there are no extenuating circumstances, e.g. one is deployed and unreachable.
28. You view your birthday or other “special holidays” (e.g. Valentine’s Day) as just another day, because either you do not feel a need to make the other person feel special on these occasions or vice versa.
29. You go long periods without sex or there is no sex at all in the relationship (and it is not due to a medical condition).
30. Your partner is caught frequently lying to you (even for small stuff). You feel insecure in your relationship, and you do not trust your partner to be faithful, especially when they are away on trips.
31. Your partner no longer wants to work out with you, opting to go to the gym by him or herself, or even worse—with someone one else of the opposite sex (with or without your knowledge).
32. The special things you may do for your partner (i.e. rose petals on the bed or Jacuzzi and candlelight) does not impress them. There is little to no appreciation and you feel taken for granted.
33. Your partner is not interested to meet or get to know your parents or friends.
34. You have little or no desire to meet or to interact with his or her parents or friends.
35. Your partner is unloving and unaccepting of your child (ren) from a previous relationship(s).
36. Your partner is unwilling to talk to you about your concerns about the relationship, either dismissing the conversation or turning it into an argument. Similarly, he or she is unwilling to seek counseling to try to fix issues in the relationship.
37. You and your partner no longer occupy the same space in the house anymore. Cuddling in bed watching TV has turned into one in the bed and the other one in another room. Oftentimes, you do not see or speak to each other until it is time for bed, and you both mumble good night (if at all) and move to your respective corner of the bed.
38. Your partner forgets your birthday or makes no mention on their social media page about it, although they usually post about anything that they think is important to them.
39. Your partner brings out the worst in you and vice versa.
40. You do not respect your partner and/or your partner does not respect you.
41. You constantly have to talk to your partner about hugging someone of the opposite sex too closely or touching them (non-sexually) too much.
42. You and or your partner have roaming eyes, even when you are together.
43. Your partner has changed the passcodes to his or her cell phone and all accounts, and you no longer have any access.
44. You do not make each other smile anymore, but other people do.
45. You do not compliment each other anymore.
46. Your partner constantly cheats on you.
47. Your partner does not want to care for you when you are sick and/or there is little or no concern or empathy for your feelings when you are sad or upset about something.
48. You or your loved one chooses to work late nights rather than coming home on time.
49. You often cannot get a hold of your partner during lunch or his or her phone “dies” a lot when they are away from you and you are trying to get a hold of them, or he or she often claims to not having heard the calls or seeing any missed calls from you.
50. You bring out the worst in your partner and vice versa.
51. Your partner constantly criticizes and berates you, even in front of other people.
52. Most, if not all arguments, lead to someone threatening to leave the relationship. You or your partner does not seem to value each other or the relationship.
53. Your partner seems to be somewhere else or loss in thoughts around you; or may even be smiling unconsciously and not telling you why when you ask.
54. Your partner accidentally calls you someone (of the opposite sex) else’s name during a heated argument or during sex.
55. Your partner answers the phone during sex.
56. You no longer kiss each other and there is little to no passion during sex, which has become infrequent, if at all.
57. Your partner makes major decisions (e.g. making large or expensive purchases) without consulting with you and explains it by saying he or she is grown or independent.
58. You and your partner mostly just argue and scream at each other, instead of trying to find mutual understanding.
59. You and your partner cannot complete any project (e.g. assembling furniture) together without arguing and things deteriorating into a shouting match and one or both storming off.
60. You have developed bad habits since dating your partner, e.g. started drinking or smoking, etc.; and/or you are worst off financially.
61. Your partner does not ask for or value your opinion.
62. You do not trust your partner with your secrets, for fear he or she may easily betray your trust.
63. Your partner is “always tired” to go out of stay up late with you, but always have the time and energy to do it with other people.
64. Your partner sometimes acts like he or she is still single, such as going out with friends or colleagues of the opposite without consulting you or inviting you along. Also, he or she dismisses it as being “no big deal.”
65. There is a member of the opposite sex from your partner’s past (who keeps resurfacing) whom you two often have bitter arguments about.
66. You hardly speak to others about your partner and when you do it is mostly negative.
67. You have to fight or beg your partner for sex.
68. Your partner is not concerned about your where-a-bouts. You could be “off the radar” for hours and you would never get a “where you at?” phone call or text.
69. You often feel alone in the relationship and wonder why are you in the relationship at all.
Disclaimer: I am not a trained psychologist. These points are taken from my own experiences and observations. Use the information as applicable.
60-69—Your relationship is terminal or dying. It is hard to believe you two are still together and life must be a living hell from day-to-day. If this situation is current, one or both of you are thinking about how to leave the relationship. However, even a terminal relationship can be saved. Good luck.
35-59—You are in a bad or sick relationship. Try to turn some of the “yeses” into “noes.” Seek professional advice or from a mutually respected friend. Good luck.
18-34—You are in an unhealthy or deteriorating relationship. Have some frank discussions about the “yeses.” Whatever is affecting the relationship should be able to be worked out among each other. Good luck.
Cautionary note: bear in mind that this scorecard is subjective and not based on empirical science. It is to be used only as a general tool to access your results, not the definitive authority. Case in point, if someone is physically abusing you, one could argue that that single point makes your relationship terminal, despite how good everything else in the relationship may seem. This instance illustrates the argument that some of these points carry more weight (are of greater importance) than others, and some may not even be applicable in new relationships (e.g. sex may not be a part of the relationship as yet). Nonetheless, realistically speaking, if you scored over 50 percent “Yeses”, a point could definitely be made that you are in a bad relationship, even if physical violence or sex was not a consideration. Finally, lying to yourself and denying that most of these points do not refer to your relationship, will not make them go away; they will continue to grow and gnaw away at the foundation of your relationship until, over time, the relationship will crumble.
Coming Next…How to Tell if You are Truly in Love